I’m not perfect & it sucks. {.035}

In recent days I’ve just realized that I’m not perfect (yea, I know – shocker). What I mean by perfect is that I’m not giving everything my all. To me that makes a “perfect” person. If you do all you can do and then some you’re pretty fantastic.
Okay, well I guess I shouldn’t use the word perfect because perfection really doesn’t exist, but you see where I’m going with this right?
Anyway, what I mean to say is that before my son was born I was not as lazy as I’ve become. I used to stay up ’till three in the morning finishing whatever the hell I needed to finish and wake up at 5:30 to do life all over again. I don’t do that anymore. As soon as the first sign of fatigue kicks in – I go to sleep {which is around 9:00 by the way -__-}. It’s pathetic.
What happened to that energetic, go-get-em, I-can-do-anything kind of attitude? Somewhere between two epidurals and  hours of labor I lost it all. But how? Isn’t being a Mother supposed to motivate you and inspire you? It inspired me, but not to push myself. Just to cater to my little one. That is all that has mattered to me since he was born. That’s a great thing! But, I can’t continue to forget about myself.
I don’t want to be like my Father. I was his world and I still am. My Parent’s got divorced when I was three and he never remarried, so I’m all he has. That seems great, but he needs to have his own life without involving me in every aspect of it.  I don’t want to rely on my son. I don’t want him to be my crutch, like I have been for my Father.
I’ve started to snap out of it with school starting back up for the summer and everything, but it’s not easy to be who I was. But, I want her back. Like all things, working on yourself takes work.
I’m ready though. As ready as I’ll ever be. Time won’t wait for me. I have to take control of it.
“Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in.”

– Quoting Napoleon Bonaparte

We must do {.022}

The weekend that passed was magical.
I have so much to share.

But for today.

I have only this quote that sums up the rest of my life:

I have been impressed with the urgency of doing.

Knowing is not enough; we must apply.

Being willing is not enough, we must do.” 

– Leonardo da da Vinci

Perception {.013}

I want to be perfect. I think everyone does. No one likes to make mistakes – especially in front of other people & especially when dealing with parenting. I feel like a failure every time I make one, even if it’s something small. Yesterday was no different… except I made three small mistakes that affected my mood for the rest of the day. Apparently I didn’t fill out the summer camp form for my little one {which I found out later – I did.} I forgot to give Jayden milk for school {that I didn’t know about in the first place} & felt like a mini failure. I don’t like him going without anything…ever. It just bothers me. Oh, and I didn’t do the dishes like I should have {bad prioritizing}. What bothered me wasn’t only that I didn’t do these things despite my human flaw and mistake making, but I know people would and probably did judge me {“People” meaning one of my son’s teachers}. It’s almost like she wants something to be wrong. She never has anything good to say…about anything. I’m sure she thinks I’m terrible parent or whatever. I like to consider myself and active parent/perfectionist. I don’t like for others to be in control of their perception of me. In other words I don’t want to give anyone a reason to think things about me that aren’t true. I just have to face the fact that people will talk about you and think certain things about you {& your child} no matter what you do. I just hate it.

“The most valuable thing you can make is a mistake
– you can’t learn anything from being perfect.”
Adam Osborne