Government Name {.041}

About three weeks ago, Jayden had his three-year check up. He’s healthy,  smart and all of that good stuff. Such a blessing. As the apointment was ending his doctor instructed Quentin and I to start teaching him our full names, how to survive in the wild {how to gather food, fight off hungry lions, etc} and all of that good stuff. Seriously though, you know stuff you should know if there is an emergency; addresses, phone numbers and all of that helpful stuff.

We didn’t waste any time and started teaching him what our names were right way. Let’s just say that within one day he had it down pat. I think he was a tad bit confused because he would ask if he got our names right. I mean, can you blame the kid he’s been calling us “Mommy” and “Daddy” since was only 6 months old. I could only imagine what was going on in his head when we told him what our real names were. To him, we are probably impostors.

“Mommy, thatsss Quentin!?”, he would say with a confused look on his face.

“Yes, that’s Quentin, Jayden.”

“Oh. Hi Quentin!”, he would wave as if he was meeting a new person.

Days went by and we would try to refresh his memory and make sure he didn’t forget our “new identities”.

One day I was in the bathroom, doing what people do in the bathroom, and Jayden knocked on the door {He doesn’t like when we go to the bathroom and leave him outside of the door. Go figure. Parent’s don’t deserve privacy.}

“Nicole? NICOLE!? NICOLE WHITEHALL!?!”, he wailed.

“Yes, Jayden.”, I said through my laughter.

“I come in?”

I couldn’t even answer him I was laughing so hard.

I found it so funny that he had already made the connection that “Nicole” was my “new” name. It was almost as if he thought we were telling him to call us something else from now on. I later explained to him that I was two people {this is making even more sense now}. He’s gotten the hang of knowing who Nicole Whitehall is and that she is Mommy too. I’m sure he doesn’t get why I have two names. But, it’s just the cutest thing to hear him say my Government name. What a sophisticated young lad.

The beautiful thing about learning is that no one can take it away from you.
B.B. King

I’m not perfect & it sucks. {.035}

In recent days I’ve just realized that I’m not perfect (yea, I know – shocker). What I mean by perfect is that I’m not giving everything my all. To me that makes a “perfect” person. If you do all you can do and then some you’re pretty fantastic.
Okay, well I guess I shouldn’t use the word perfect because perfection really doesn’t exist, but you see where I’m going with this right?
Anyway, what I mean to say is that before my son was born I was not as lazy as I’ve become. I used to stay up ’till three in the morning finishing whatever the hell I needed to finish and wake up at 5:30 to do life all over again. I don’t do that anymore. As soon as the first sign of fatigue kicks in – I go to sleep {which is around 9:00 by the way -__-}. It’s pathetic.
What happened to that energetic, go-get-em, I-can-do-anything kind of attitude? Somewhere between two epidurals and  hours of labor I lost it all. But how? Isn’t being a Mother supposed to motivate you and inspire you? It inspired me, but not to push myself. Just to cater to my little one. That is all that has mattered to me since he was born. That’s a great thing! But, I can’t continue to forget about myself.
I don’t want to be like my Father. I was his world and I still am. My Parent’s got divorced when I was three and he never remarried, so I’m all he has. That seems great, but he needs to have his own life without involving me in every aspect of it.  I don’t want to rely on my son. I don’t want him to be my crutch, like I have been for my Father.
I’ve started to snap out of it with school starting back up for the summer and everything, but it’s not easy to be who I was. But, I want her back. Like all things, working on yourself takes work.
I’m ready though. As ready as I’ll ever be. Time won’t wait for me. I have to take control of it.
“Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in.”

– Quoting Napoleon Bonaparte

Press Play {.033}

I haven’t had time to play with my little one in so long. I mean really play. Like, lay on the floor & roll around like goofballs kind of play. I’ve always done something structured with him, which was fun for me cause I’m an adult, but not so much for him. When he came home from daycare he just wanted to play in his own way. He politely asked me to help him turn on the light so he could get his cars and off he went into his toddler dream land, while he was awake. I started to play with him a little, but to be honest I didn’t even realize what I was doing. It was like I was in another world. Just me and him. No homework. No phone. No responsibilities. Then, something clicked and I got up to look something up on the computer. I was planning on coming right back. But, realistically – how many times do I tell myself that & get caught up? Almost, always.

He was disappointed. Usually he won’t pay me any mind and continue playing by himself. But, this time he said “Come here, this is yours”, handing me the car I was playing with. That broke my heart and I immediately rushed over to finish playing with him. I had so much fun. It was just so interesting to dive into his world. Not, a structured game Mommy made up or anything. But, something that he truly enjoys. I honestly thought he would be super territorial over his coveted cars. Surprisingly (to me anyway), he was so incredibly generous, kind and gentle.  That’s a little snapshot of how he plays with his classmates I guess.

I always knew there was something special about this little boy. But, man – God shows me something more spectacular about him everyday. He’s my little angel on Earth.

Family values are a little like family vacations -— subject to changeable weather and remembered more fondly with the passage of time. Though it rained all week at the beach, it’s often the momentary rainbows that we remember.

 –Leslie Dreyfous, New York Times, Oct. 25, 1992